7 ½ months…. that sounds
like a long time doesn’t it? It kind of
is. In fact, I can scarcely believe in
about 2 months, it will have been a year since Benji and I took off for St.
Louis, looking forward to the possibilities of what new lungs could mean for
him.
On the other hand, it seems like such a short time ago that
we were in the midst of a time in our lives with such constant, intense
emotions and complete dependence on God. When it ended so suddenly, it left me feeling deflated. It left an additional
void in my life, beyond the void that Benji’s death left.
As I tried to think of a way to describe this
feeling, I thought of how I’ve felt when I read a book or watched a movie that
caused me to deeply invest my emotions and hopes in the outcome, then suddenly it
ended…. in a MUCH different way than I ever hoped or expected….
The anti-climax. What a disappointment and feeling of deflation….
of emptiness……. I just wanted to rewind
and write a different ending!
This time,
I wasn’t reading a book or watching a movie, I was living it. No ability to rewind and change the outcome. (I’m guessing that to a certain degree, the
way some of you invested your prayers and emotions in Benji’s story
left you feeling the same way.)
I hope you don’t think I’m crazy, but at times in the couple
weeks following, I would have fleeting thoughts about the possibility of the
doctors calling and saying Benji wasn’t dead after all; that though they thought
he was, he actually wasn’t. And in that
same instant, reality would hit me and I would realize that especially days and
weeks afterward, that was certainly not going to happen. And then the finality of death would wash
over me- again. There was no changing it; the ending was written. Or was it?
When we left for St. Louis we knew there would be challenges
ahead, but they were certainly worth it for Benji to have some quality of life
again outside of a hospital! We also
knew there was a slight risk for complications the first year, but they were so
slight we really didn’t consider them.
We CERTAINLY never considered the fact
that Benji would never leave the
hospital after transplant.
And with all
the miraculous circumstances that got us there and those perfect fitting lungs
that were “meant to be” coming so quickly after arriving…. it was so obvious
God still had a plan for Benji on this earth!
What a wonderful story of God’s work in our lives and after each
miraculous occurrence or time we nearly lost Benji, only to have him recover
again, I would tell Benji how God had a plan for him on this earth and that he
would have such an amazing story to tell in future years…..
We had such hopes for the outcome….
The following is an excerpt from the January 16 Caringbridge
journal entry:
“As
I was listing the previous praises on FB, I was overwhelmed with gratitude at
the incredible improvements we’ve already seen! Thank you Jesus! I was asking
Benji tonight how different he thinks it will be going to Bible Camp this
summer. This past summer especially, he so badly wanted to go to camp and I’m
so glad God graciously allowed him to be home from the hospital, -just for that
week. However, Benji’s horribly diseased lungs wouldn’t allow him to join in
the fun and fully participate. If things continue with his new lungs, as they
have been, (and we PRAY they do,) this year, camp should be entirely different!
He will not have to do one treatment! He will not need to be on oxygen! No
IV's! His legs and joints may still give him some issues, but his lungs should
be just as healthy as everyone else’s. And now, as I have been describing what this actually means, I can scarcely see through my tears as I am again overwhelmed at the possibilities that lay before Benji. (In fact, I cannot stop crying.) Oh thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!! And again, thank you to the donor’s family who has made this a possibility for Benji! And to the surgeon, doctors and other medical staff who have the knowledge and skills to do this kind of thing!
I think I’m going to end with this tonight, hoping you will also experience the impact of the things I just described. Words cannot describe the gratitude we feel! And tonight, as you ask God for a clear report regarding rejection; please remember to express your gratitude to such a loving God who has so graciously allowed us to experience this!”
What a beautiful story I would have written…. one that would
have left us feeling good in the end… that ended the way we hoped…Why would God
write a script or book like he did? Why in
the world would he give us such amazing reasons to hope for a great outcome,
only to let us down so deeply? Why would
he want us to suffer in this way? I
couldn’t answer these questions 7 ½ months ago, and I can’t answer them today. From my perspective, the ending was so wrong
and unfair…. a poorly written script.
God has written other scripts like this. In fact, one he wrote was especially personal
to him. This time it was he who suffered
the loss of his Son. But it didn’t
happen by chance. God wrote that script
too. He chose the anti-climax for his
own story! Many of the Jewish people
had pinned their hopes in Jesus delivering them from the Romans. Many believed him to actually be the Son of
God as he claimed to be. Yet, he had to
suffer terribly and then he died!
What
was God thinking? What a feeling of
disappointment and emptiness.
But… the story wasn’t finished. Though the people didn’t know it, there was a
sequel coming. And in it was an
incredible story! One of Jesus, after
being dead three days, actually coming to life again!!!! Wow!!!
And the story is still not finished because God is writing a trilogy. One that will include every one of us and
where we have the opportunity to choose the ending. The trilogy contains Jesus returning for us who
choose to believe in him as our redeemer and Lord and then living in God’s
presence for eternity. You see, Jesus’
death on the cross was only a part of God’s overall story.
And Benji’s death, and your death and my death or the death
of a loved one, or any kind of suffering is only part of a much, much larger
story. We tend to live as if our life
span is the extent of the picture, yet if we place our lives on a timeline of
history, we aren’t even a speck. And
Benji’s story and my story and yours aren’t finished because the trilogy never
ends; it is for eternity. Benji’s part
in the trilogy has already been determined, ours is yet to be written.
I hope I haven’t left you with the impression that I have
lived the past 7 ½ month with my head in the clouds and in a form of denial. Knowing all
of the above by no means removes the pain and loss of our experience. It does however ease it. It helps to fill that void, that feeling of
emptiness at the anti-climax of this portion of our story, because we know the rest of the story will far surpass our hopes or expectations.
I am so grateful our story isn’t over!
(If you
click on the audio player in the right sidebar you can
listen to
my sister Rose singing a song she wrote. She was
inspired
to write it after Benji had gotten so sick the first time
and began
his frequent hospitalizations. I think it fits so
perfectly
with this blog.)
