I have created this blog as a place to process my journey- as I grieve the loss of our son Benji. You only need to join me if you choose to.☺ Writing is therapeutic for me and though my way of grieving may be completely different from someone else, perhaps my journey will give you a glimpse into what it means to grieve the loss of a child.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Why God?



Nearly one year later, I still have a difficult time writing or speaking about Benji’s death without questioning why it happened; it seems like knowing would somehow ease the pain.


“To suffer is one thing, to suffer without meaning is another, but to suffer and choose not to press for any meaning is worst of all.  Yet that is the suicidal submission that faith’s suspension of judgment seems to involve.


There are times when we see glimpses of God’s ways but not enough to allow us to make true conclusions about what he is doing and why.  Yet we cannot resist jumping to conclusions anyway. Then, being insistent as well as inquisitive, we refuse to suspend judgment, and our wrong conclusions so misrepresent God that we end by doubting him.  But if the Christian’s faith is to be itself and let God be God at such times, it must suspend judgment and say, ‘Father, I do not understand you, but I trust you’.”

-OS Guinness, “Be Still My Soul

The above was a quote I had posted on Caringbridge in the March 5th journal entry, one week prior to Benji’s death, and I followed it with this: 

“I don’t understand why God hasn’t provided Benji with a liver and pancreas yet when everyone was so certain it would happen so quickly. I hope and pray, but I don’t know if Benji will remain stable long enough to get the transplant. However, I am again choosing to trust when I don’t understand and to still my soul by “resting in the knowledge that God is there, God is good, and God knows best.” It may be a suspension of my personal judgment but it is also the only thing that brings peace to my soul!!! -CB, 03-05-13


It has been a really rough year! I miss Benji so much- unspeakably so- and at this rate, I think it could be rough for quite a while yet.  As I stated above, my faith and the ‘suspension of my personal judgment’ is  still the only thing that brings peace to my soul but my human nature just can’t stop wondering...  I would so love to understand the reasons why.


OS Guinness said that suspending our judgment without understanding is not only difficult, it’s suicidal.  Sometimes it nearly feels that way.


I hope God doesn’t have a problem with my continual questions.  I don’t think he does…. as long as I’m not demanding an answer.  


Oh how I miss this kid and his many faces!





Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)