Leaning in....

Have you ever heard the phrases, “Lean into the wind”, or Lean into the turn?” I hadn’t realized that “lean into….” had become a rather popular phrase until I recently did a Google search on it. The reason I did was because in our grief group we were told to “lean into our grief.” What exactly did they mean by that?

Here are some definitions and quotes I came across in my search-

Definition of "lean into...":

-be assertive, go aggressively and fearlessly, be proactive etc.

-go with it, don’t fight it or avoid it.

One person said we should face our fears by leaning into them and then goes on to expound- “It’s not the most popular or good feeling practice. Our natural tendency is to fight, flee, or freeze. We want to move away from what is uncomfortable. Get rid of it." She says instead to “Move toward the places that scare you, that are most uncomfortable for you, and allow them to dissolve, to break apart, to open your heart.”

A ski instructor says, “When you are afraid, the natural tendency is to lean back. To your mind, leaning back is akin to pulling away from the fear. It seems like it will protect you but the opposite is true. Lean back on a steep slope and you could get into real trouble because you could lose control. You have to lean into the mountain, defying your mind’s faulty attempt at self-protection."

“Leaning into my grief” means I shouldn’t avoid it- I should allow myself to feel it deeply and go with the emotions as they come. I have to wonder, is this what I have previously called “wallowing in grief?”


We're told one of the ways to lean into your grief is by talking about it. Kenneth Hauck, in Finding Hope in Healing (book #3 in the Journeying through Grief series), says this:

Talking is healing. Talking helps you locate your pain, bring it to the surface, and let it go. And because your wound doesn’t suddenly go away, the pain recurs, and you need to talk about it again and again and again. That’s why grieving people need to talk about the same feeling or memory over and over.

I’ve heard it said that you need to share your story 50, 100, even 200 times. The actual number really isn’t important. The point is that it’s helpful to talk about your feelings and share your story many times. Each time, you’ll release some of the pain. Each time you’ll discover something new. Each time you’ll heal a little bit more.

Another way of leaning into your grief is by remembering and reliving those painful moments. Kenneth Hauck says that each time we tell our experience we’re able to heal a little more; reliving it does the same thing. One of my main goals for my time in Florida was to do just this- relive it all and grieve it all over again. In order to do this, I went back and reread all the Caringbridge journal entries since 2004-

all 219… narrow-margined…single-spaced… pages.

I was glad there weren’t a lot of people on the beach and that the surf and wind drowned out sounds, because there were times I needed to stop reading, bury my face in my towel or cover my face and sob. In some ways, this was more painful and difficult than when we actually lived it because at that time, we still had hope for a different outcome.

The first hundred or so pages, up to the time Benji and I moved to St. Louis, I went through fairly easily. There were some emotional moments as I relived those years, but it was quite manageable. (Yes, you read correctly, nearly half of those 219 pages were from the last 2 ½ months of Benji’s life.)☺

While reading I was reminded of many things I had forgotten and I found it interesting that though Benji personally made very few comments on Caringbridge through the entire 9 years, he did so twice in his initial hospitalization in 2004. These comments really touched me as I saw Benji, in his own way at 6 years old, sharing Jesus with people. These were his comments:

Benji in 2004

November 5, 2004
Thank you for the messages. Come vizit me somtime. I kant wate (can’t wait) to go back to school! Do not forgit about the bible! From Benji

And November 30, 2004
I had lot,s of fun and donot frget The Bible.
(when I asked him when he was referring to when he said he had fun, he said “during his time in the hospital”.)

Benji's Shrek slippers that he got in 2004

Another thing I was reminded of was the day Benji ate 21 slices of bacon for breakfast and another five at dinner! At that time we were having an extremely difficult time getting Benji to eat anything, (and it was before he had his feeding tube), but bacon was one thing that he still liked to eat. He was also on steroids at the time, which always increases appetite. He had been eating a lot of bacon during that time but this was quite a record! He loved telling people the bacon story for quite some time. (It was funny because to begin with, we had a difficult time getting the kitchen to send up more than three slices at a time. Finally after about a week of this and the doctor finally getting involved they got the message that Benji was allowed to order as much bacon as he wanted, whenever he wanted.) ☺

I was reminded of the time Benji and I escaped from his room; following is that excerpt:

Benji and I were naughty again tonight; we escaped, for a just a little bit. The last couple days, he has been asking to go down to the library, to pick out some videos; however, since he’s in isolation, it’s against hospital policy. I knew we couldn’t ask the nurses if it was alright to go down, because they could get in trouble if they say yes. And since we can walk through the halls to go do PFT‘s, (gowned and masked of course) I thought there was really no reason he couldn’t go down there for just a teeny bit (also gowned and masked); so, I just told our nurse tonight that she shouldn’t panic if she comes to our room and we’re not here, we won’t have escaped. She played along and said she’d think we were just in the bathroom or something and even brought us a wheel chair. (though I did have Benji walk quite a bit of the way). I sure do hope there aren’t actually any hospital police like Uncle Sylvan talked about, or we might be in real trouble!! ☺ It was a lot of fun for Benji and the whole thing seemed to energize him.

Benji had to spend a couple birthdays in the hospital, one Christmas, one Thanksgiving and a couple Easters. He had many other disappointments while in the hospital, because of needing to miss special occasions and events at home.

Cory in Benji's jersey

One of those times was the year the Jr. High boy’s basketball team won State. He was on the team and SO badly wanted to be at that tournament! That was a bitter pill for him to swallow. It helped to soothe the pain however, when we received a picture during the game, of Cory wearing Benji’s #10 jersey.


After the game, Cory was allowed to bring the team trophy along down to the hospital, to show Benji. And the following weekend the coach brought the entire team down to visit.



That was really special for him and a perfect example of how others showed they cared and did what they could to make things easier for him! (This was in the February-March, 2010 Caringbridge journal entries and was an especially faith-testing admission.) 

As I stated earlier, reliving those years was emotional and difficult at times, but when I got to part where Benji and I moved to St. Louis, it was a whole new ballgame. Although ever since Benji’s death I’d been wanting to reread all the journal entries, it seemed I just wasn’t getting it done- I hadn’t previously realized how much I had been subconsciously avoiding it .  As I thought about reading that portion, I discovered I had a knot in my stomach and found myself putting it off again. In fact, I put it off so long that I ended up barely getting finished with reading the entries before it was time to come home and I wasn’t able to do get through all the guestbook and FB comments from others, which was something else I had wanted to do.

I did finally face it and it was excruciatingly difficult to relive some of those moments; however, it was also a good experience. While I knew I had been quite open in my writing, I hadn’t realized how much I had publicly processed my own emotions and questions related to my faith in God. (And increasingly so, as things became more and more grave and I became more and more dependent on God.)

I found it was really strange to relive those moments while knowing the outcome. I had been so optimistic and hopeful for Benji’s recovery. As I read time after time how God again brought Benji through another near death experience, I once again found myself increasingly wondering what the purpose of all that was.

 It was good to be reminded of the times I had released my hold on Benji and given him over to God. And of the times when it was only through worship and focusing my attention fully on God and who he is, instead of on the circumstance, that I was able to cope. It was good to be reminded that despite his ongoing desire to live and all the difficult things he went through, Benji typically maintained a peaceful spirit. Though difficult, it was also good to read about how miserable he had been at times, especially toward the end; it makes the releasing a little easier.

I was touched as I remembered how his brothers had treated him so lovingly.  This is an excerpt from Caringbridge, a week before Benji's death.

I mentioned last evening that Cory came down to spend the week with Benji. I just want to tell you how touched I am when I watch the gentleness, tenderness and attitude of servant hood I see as he interacts with Benji and shows how much he loves him. I sat here watching this afternoon/evening while our 16 year old son sat in a chair right next to his 15 year old brother’s bed, willingly watching “Chopped” on THE FOOD CHANNEL- (because that is one of the things Benji likes to watch when he’s in the hospital- even though it’s probably the last thing Cory would choose to watch). While sitting there, he reaches over and gently strokes Benji’s head (something Benji loves). I saw him get the therapeutic boots that Benji wears to prevent foot drop and gently put them on his feet. He asks Benji if he’s cold and if he’d like some more blankets and he tucks them around his chin. He gets him drinks and holds the cup for him as he drinks. It brings tears of deep emotions and joy to my eyes as I write this- these are some of the precious moments we are experiencing during this journey that we would never choose to be on! And the incredible growth and maturing we are seeing in our other three sons! These experiences are going to shape their lives forever and are going to make them better men. And if we were not on this undesired journey, they would never have had these growth experiences.

Maybe that was the only purpose for Benji's suffering.... for the personal growth of each of us, in order to ultimately bring the most glory to God.  I hope you don't get tired of me openly struggling with the why question.  I don't expect to ever totally understand but it seems my human nature is constantly seeking an answer.  (I'll probably blog more about this whole thing again sometime soon.)

As you can imagine, reliving the last night of Benji's life was the most difficult. As a part of that, I looked at the pictures and videos others had taken during that night- which I haven't been able to do. Despite how difficult these pictures and videos are to look at, I am grateful for them.

Benji looked so terrible that last night; he was bloated, his face was dark and yellow and because of his broken down tissue, his chest and stomach were black and blue; his eyes were sunken and dark, and they were goopy from the eye salve the nurses had been putting on him.

I watched the video of us singing (as best we could) for Benji. (“us”= our immediate family, Grandma, Grandpa, Dale and siblings and cousins from both sides.) Singing was something Benji had requested a few times during his hospital stay in St. Louis, especially during his more difficult moments and times of uncertainty. I remembered how difficult it had been to begin singing that last night, because all of our voices were broken with tears. However, I also vividly recalled that a strength had risen up in me at that time, (as it had other times when I had needed it) and I ended up being the one who began the singing… Great is thy faithfulness oh God my Father…

I watched, with tears streaming down my face, as I read to Benji from Jesus Calling, while running my fingers through his hair and trying to encourage him as he walked through the shadow of death. (Running my fingers through his hair was something I had done frequently- I loved the silky feel of his hair; I miss doing that.) Video Link- Reading to Benji

 
As I read and looked at pictures, I was  touched as I remembered how many of the staff had come by the room throughout the night to express their condolences and share in our grief. 


 And I was reminded again of how comforting it was to be surrounded by family.

My time in Florida was good. I came back feeling refreshed.  It was difficult, but in a good kind of way. 

Leaning into my grief WILL CONTINUE TO BE difficult, but I will continue to do so intentionally. I believe it is necessary and good. 

 
Thank YOU for being someone who is willing to listen to me and for allowing me to lean into my grief as I continue this journey.

                     YOU are helping me heal!







More pictures here:  "A Night of Mourning"

and videos:
Singing "It is well"
Dale Kissing Benji
Grandpa praying